I am very disappointed that I never hear anything on the news or in the OWS movement protests about how screwed up our whole entire country and world is when it comes to the fact that sudden disabilities or long term ones can make someone like me with a BA from Berkeley and a JD from Davis physically unable to work because of an SUV rear ending me at 55 mph. Without my parents (retired teachers) I would possibly currently be homeless and paralyzed as no surgeon would have removed discs from my leg’s nerve canal without my parents insisting on paying $770 per month for MRMIP insurance for only $75000 worth of coverage per year. In 2010 that amount was gone for the year in June but my parents still had to pay the monthly inurance fee as I would lose my insurance and I might need another surgery. Plus my parents paid SO much out of pocket to the hospital, surgeons and paid for my required PT daily. Luckily many doctors reduced their bills because they knew I could not work and no money. Because I could not afford any of bills in 2010 post spinal surgery, necessary appointments with a neurologist, pain management psychologist, and a pain management specialist were never really a possible option depite my spinal surgeon’s instructions. Thank you to the kind doctors, PTs and other loving health providers who greatly lowered your final rates for me simply out of compassion. My medicines in 2010 from Canada were $600 per month instead of over $1000 per month in the US as I now have so many health problems. Long ago I turned down a $125,000 job offer after my car accident and now I make $0 per year. I might find out about federal disability aid in about year. Because I am medically unable to work full time or look seriously for a full time job, I was denied unemployment payments that I would otherwise have received, as I paid enough taxes to receive unemployment. Many doors continue to shut as there is no funding and yet you only really find that out after spending days filling out too much paperwork. In Sacramento County one must stand in lines for about 5 hours to apply for general assistance and it takes more than three months to review an application. I am physically unable to sit or stand in those lines but that is just my problem because “their budget was cut so no one answers their phones or replies to emails so there is really no way to apply. Currently, I am feeling guilty and worried as I am continuously using my parents’ retirement money as I usually have about 3 doctor appointments and 4 hour long physical therapy sessions every week. I have a couple great from home business ideas but could never get a loan or a credit card without an income. Recently I felt excited when I put together a plan to sell OWS apparel online and donate 10% of all net profits but I am suddenly very scared that I worked so hard on this despite severe depression and no one will by my products because they will think I am just trying to profit form the OWS movement. I want disability rights to be a huge issue as all funding keeps getting severely cut. I created Occupy Clothes Together as I want to donate money to charities and so I can stop expecting my parents to pay for all of my food, my dog’s food, my huge medical bills every week, and my gas money. I have so much debt and I worry as my parents are getting older and will need the money I keep using one day as I do not have about $2.50 in my credit union in order to keep my account open. I have a great resume, am smart, creative, passionate, kind, and very compassionate. I had to leave my nice apartment in SF, a good career, all of my friends and my sister who live in SF. I have already been called and offered jobs as campaign manager for different liberal candidates for the fall 2012 elections. I have no idea when or how much I will be able to work. MANY employers often find making (and sometimes paying for) reasonable accommodations as required by the ADA that they purposely never hire people with disabilities. My parents constantly worry about me as I am losing all hope and spend so much time in bed. But I know that I am so lucky to have such loving parents, as I now live with them at age 35, they feed me, they give me pep talks, let me borrow their car and computer, and will not let me stay in bed when I do not want to go to yet another medical appointment. My sister has also supported me so much and so have my best friends. I look completely healthy and no one can tell by looking at me that I am in so much pain. People never really think you are a person with disabilities if you look and act like you do not, putting on a happy mask so people will not react to you out of pity or never hire me if I am able to work again. About 80% of people with physical disabilities then become severely depressed. The severe depression makes them unable to seek any help or resources as most cannot even fill out paperwork when life is so overwhelming and depressing. I am seriously not trying to complain as my symptoms might seriously improve one day. I wish I could pay my parents back. Without them again I could be paralyzed (as emergency surgery would not have happened without them paying $770 per month for my healthcare and my disc would have permanently impinged on all my nerves. With my school loans, my disabilities, and no income now I would be a homeless person without the financial support and emotional support that I get from my family. I am in the bottom 1% but I look fine and pretend to be fine in public so people do not ever know I am in terrible pain. If this happened to me it could happen to anyone and almost no one cares about the problems of the disabled which can include no healthcare, no medicines, no love, no home, no money etc. Most people with disabilities have SO many more abilities which are very often ignored as people discriminate and/or do not want to have to provide reasonable accommodations, even if a person with a disability would end up being the smartest or most important or creative employee. I could write for hours about disability discrimination and the need for a massive disability rights movement.
A very regular thought in my mind is that despite great resume, an outgoing personality, and a wonderful educational background, I would currently be sitting on the street, paralyzed, with a cup out if my family could not take care of me. I feel so insecure about not working, having no money, living with my parents etc. but everyday I feel so blessed to have people who love me and take care of me. But I am hoping people will not think I just care about profits when I launch occupyclothestogether.com. I care more about donating to the 99% and giving some money back to my family and I really need to have a sense of purpose, a distraction, a project that I have so much passion about (the OWS movement to help us all) and I long for even the tiniest bit of financial independence so I my parents do not have to pay for everything. Will people think I am being selfish when I look healthy to sell apparel that says things like “OCCUPY OAKLAND”? I am scared to take the final steps and start my online store as I do not want to be seen as someone trying to profit off of a movement that I believe in and debate about daily. Some final thoughts, first please remember that NOT all disabilities are visible! Most people with disabilities can be amazing employees, but many are too ill or injured to work and yet cannot qualify for any financial support at all. Please put labels on envelopes, not on people. And assuming I get the courage to post it up, please let me know your thoughts on occupyclothestogether.com. Occupy Oakland is actually my first donee because you inspire the world to look much deeper into our own hearts. Thank you from “Beloved Warrior”!
PS It is 4:30 AM so I am too tired to proofread or spell check this tonight even though I am usually a compulsive grammar freak and editor. I know I rambled on and on and my family and I are usually extremely private people, but I am too tired to edit even though they would greatly disapprove of me discussing money issues ever with others. I am making an exception tonight as I am now absolutely too tired to cut half of these thoughts out what really feels like me reading my diary out loud. Tomorrow I will probably regret posting this as some people will know who I am and others will judge me. While I have courage simply due to exhaustion, at now 5:11 AM, I am just going to post this very unedited journal entry like essay, knowing that it is written poorly but I must go to sleep now. 99% of the time I only share my painful and personal thoughts with six people and my loving dog. But people with disabilities are also the 99% who are too ignored. Please read more about this: http://www.disabilitystatistics.org AND
http://www.aapd.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=pvI1IkNWJqE&b=7656267&ct=11106669¬oc=1
You made me cry with your empathy, understanding, and compassionate encouragement. I wish that you and so many others were not struggling so much as our economic state really scares me. My mental and physical health scares the sh*t out of me. And the hude loss of self esteem, the feeling of a lack of knowledge or control regarding my future or present is so scary, and having no money and almost no motivation worries me. I am also so concerned about the severe economic and educational problems in today’s world and in the US. We all need to feel that people deeply care about us as individuals and you made me feel that way and I am so grateful for your story and your sincere encouragement. It is hard for all who are really struggling to find care and sincere compassion these days. Thank you so much for giving those gifts to me and for taking the time to write such a kind message. Peace be with you and good luck. And never ever again consider being a prostitute please. You clearly can do so much more with your kindness and wisdom. Hang in there too. I truly appreciate your note. Thanks so much. I needed that.
I found my story reading through all the different postings on the 99% page http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/page/2
I’m sorry you feel alone and unheard. Come on down. Join the tweets! Post on all the Occupy pages. The GA pages! Shout it out! You might be surprised how many are listening. Peace. – IndigoVII
Hey!
It’s amazing to see you put it all out there like that. You are not alone in feelings of trepidation and uncertainty. We are, all of us, resting on uneven ground, and we need to talk to each other like this. I may not come from the same place as you, but I have felt like my mind is all that I have to offer, and that having a degree and a sharp wit isn’t selling right now.
So here I am to offer you a bit of my mind. Diversify. If you are afraid that people won’t buy your shirts if they’re just about the movement, make a variety of sharp, witty designs that appeal to other people who think, and put Occupy as merely one of the fabulous options. That way, it resolves your concern of people thinking you’re just latching on to the movement, and allows them other options as well. 🙂
Aside from offering practical suggestions, I think that the majority of your post was actually reaching out for love, support and comradery from other people in the movement. So here it is. I can never know how you feel, but I can tell you that poverty feels like shit. I’m new to adulthood and trying to establish myself in the world, and I feel like I was dealt a shit hand. It took me two years to find steady work, and for the sake of stability, I have sacrificed every dream of what I wanted to do as an adult– everything I worked for. There were times I would envy women capable of prostitution for wont of a $20 bill, and then hate myself for feeling like I’m too ugly to prostitute.
I am a strong, college-educated woman. My mother was a single parent student with two children, who taught me better than that! But poverty fucks with you. But you have got to keep moving. You take those 2012 election jobs! You fight with your mind, and your heart! You sell your damn tshirts and feel the warmth of self-reliance, and own it! Because each grasp at freedom is forward movement, even if your hand comes back empty.
Peace and love. ~z
Hey! I would buy your t-shirts!